i am JUST ME

struggles.kath.God.

the phone rang, mummy answered. silence filled the house.

that second,
the ceiling fan stopped spinning, the clock stopped ticking, the wind stopped blowing, our heartbeat stopped beating. 
every object in the house stopped functioning.

the news of my grandma passed away kept playing in our mind.we tried hard to digest the words.we tried hard to analysed every word as if some alienated words we never  come across before.

silence took over its place. even when sym barked, our ears automatically filtered her barking. every noise seemed to go mute. our brains were still trying to convince 
ourselves bout the news.

when our senses came back, we knew there are alot of things to take care of.
but because our hearts are grieving, everything that lies ahead of us seems alot
more complicated than they usually are. 

booking air tickets, cancelling classes, cancelling appointments… … ..
too many things to take care of before leaving the town. 

a week ago, we were in the departure hall, went off for holidays.
a week later, we had to buy last minute tickets preparing ourselves for funeral.
ironic. 

a week ago, i packed the most colourful outfits that my wardrobe could offer.
a week later, i had to pack ……….. im not sure if i have enough outfits that suit
the occasion. 

thoughts came rushing through my mind. a lot of them.  

life is too short.

life is too short to hate,
life is too short to run away,
life is too short to complain,
life is too short to say “if only”,
life is too short to say “wait”,
life is too short to… ….
life is too short to.. ..
life is too short to be wasted.

many times we let opportunities slip through our hands.
many times we take things for granted.
many times we let yesterday’s mistakes sabotage today’s attitude.
many times.. .. 

life is too short.

this year,
I’ve experienced all the pain that I never experienced before.
I really don’t wanna say this but its like the worst year ever.
what other more storms are coming to hit my face?
why do you come without any warning?
why?

but im thankful for those giant hiccups.
I know that my God has not given up on me.

God must be testing my faith.
God must be stretching my faith because for a very long time,
im living in my own comfort zone.
God is reminding me of who He is, and that I cant live a day
without His love, I cant live a day with my own strength.
my Father is calling me to go home.to run into His loving arms.
my Father is reminding me of His unfailing love.His promises.
thank You Father for not giving up on me.

sometimes the littlest thing in life could change something
for forever.
at this point of my life, I’ve learned that who matters, 
who doesn’t, who never did, who always will.
my mom always talk about all that the moment I stepped into
adulthood, all I ever did was answering ya ya ya ya ya ya, 
but today, I started to realise.

im really thankful for mummy.
I wouldn’t have feel so much better without her by my side.
without the love of my God and without the love of a mother,
I wouldn’t be so strong. I would have fall long ago.
storms after storms,
I wonder how can I still stand still and not be shaken.
I thank God.
I thank God for giving me my mom.
my best friend who just live across the room.

life is too short. I gotta keep reminding myself.

im not gonna live forever, I don’t know when will God stop writing my story. I don’t know at how old the earth will die. I don’t know when will be the judgement day. I don’t know if I’ll still have my chance to write tomorrow, I don’t know if I’ll still be breathing tomorrow.

all I know now is I’ll live my life to the fullest.
people always say live your life to the fullest, fullest means what?
im not sure.
but I’ll live my life loving people around me.
I’ll live my life loving people who loves me.
I’ll live my life telling people I love them.
I’ll draw myself closer to my passion.

life is too short.
I’ll not let yesterday’s heartbreaks to sabotage my today.
if I let them, im dying a little inside.
no, im strong enough to not let them in.
but im not ashamed of my yesterdays because without yesterdays,
I wouldn’t be who I am today.

Bible says: for tomorrow will worry about itself.
now I got it.
live today purposefully.fill today with love.
I think that God is the greatest designer of all.
He wants us to live today, one day at a time.
not 2 days, not 3 days, not a month, not 3 months, not 6 months.
because one day is enough for its trouble.
one day is the perfect bite size.
imagine if everyone could live one day happily, filling its purpose,
and then try a little harder on the second day, then third day, then fourth, fifth.. … eventually a month of thankful days.
then a month to 2 months to 3 months.
at the end, 365 days of purpose-filled, happy days!
if only the world could see it that way.

I have a lot more to write.but its already almost half past three. 
I have a flight to catch tomorrow morning.

when my heart is grieving, i still wanna say, thank You Father.

love you.

good night world.

❤ k